Is happiness all it's cracked up to be?

 

Are you happy? We've all been asked this question in various forms throughout our lives, and I've asked it of myself as well. But instead of smiling (internally or externally) when the subject is brought up, I cringe, and I've begun to explore why that is.

When I'm feeling at my optimal level of mental health, I prefer to use words such as contentment, satisfaction and peace instead of happiness. "Happiness" feels too difficult to achieve, and it would put more stress on me to attempt that lofty goal, because I don't believe I can realistically reach it.

I have suffered from mood swings -- usually mild but sometimes more intense -- for decades. It's probably in my genes since bipolar disorder runs in my family. I have utilized mental health professionals as needed, and for me, the healthiest state of mind is one of calmness and fulfilment. I wouldn't go so far as to say I am "at peace with the world," but there is a sense of relaxation and ease, and occasionally, a faint smile may even appear on my face.

Happiness on the other hand feels like a challenge, and I'm more comfortable lowering my goals and expectations. Of course, this is just semantics, but I'm a writer and word choice can be powerful, even when used solely for internal dialogue. I do experience joy on occasion, but maintaining a long-term state of happiness doesn't feel right for me. It's like having a smile on my face at all times, blissfully existing as if there are no cares in the world. I do not agree with Pangloss's philosophy, that "everything is for the best, in this the best of all possible worlds." Such a level of bliss feels inconsistent with my inner being; I'm too much of a realist.

Life is a highly personalized journey, and I would not dare discourage others from achieving true happiness, if that is a meaningful and relevant concept for them. For myself, however, tranquility feels more within my grasp.  Browning's "Andrea del Sarto" and I will just have to agree to disagree, but each to his own, as long as we don't trample on each other's toes.