You never know what you might find in the Bible. This is
especially true for me, who views the Bible as literature and religious lore,
not as the “word of God.” (Please, no debates here on that subject.)
I’ve recently become more interested in Judaism, which I
consider part of my ethnic and cultural heritage, but not my religion. (I
usually define my religion – if asked – as Unitarian Universalist Ethical
Culturist, or for simplicity’s sake, agnostic.)
Being an avid Facebook
enthusiast, I enjoy the cornucopia of videos available in this social medium –
from funny cat videos to satirical political commentary to, surprisingly, videos about
Judaism. There is one Orthodox couple who regularly pop up in my feed, offering
insight into arcane Jewish laws and rituals.
One such video, a discussion of niddah and zavah, led me
to pull out my copy of the King James Version, sandwiched between Unorthodox
and Fifty Shades of Grey on my bookcase. (To be precise, the video indirectly led me to Leviticus 15:18,
after I had Googled the Hebrew words cited by the Facebook couple.)
But ere we immerse ourselves too deeply (pun intended) into
biblical laws of ritual purity, allow me to clarify. Interesting though that
subject may be, that is not the point of this post. Instead, it concerns the
import of one page of neatly-printed, long-forgotten verse, composed by me decades
ago and tucked between the pages of my Gideon tome:
“Find Me”
Find Me
Lord.
Lost in a world of
No understanding
To me.
Why
Am I here?
Is there such a thing as
Truth
Or only
Chaos.
Are you there Lord?
Tell me!
Are you really there?
Two no
Twelve no
Ten thousand
Roads diverge in a yellow
WHY!?
Is there a way,
Some way
To righteousness?
I only want to know
Your way,
If there is –
You.
I seek
But do not find
So please Lord
Find me.
The serendipitous rediscovery of this poem struck me in a
similar way as did the VHS tape found just a few days earlier. While cleaning
out a cabinet filled with ancient tapes, I unearthed my brother-in-law’s amateur
video of the 1992 wedding of my late husband and myself. Viewing my
thirty-year-younger-self in a lacy ball gown, alongside my now
seventeen-years-deceased husband, provoked bittersweet, nostalgic emotions. I
don’t remember exactly when I wrote the poem “Find Me,” but would estimate that
it predates my wedding, and perhaps even precedes meeting my future husband
in 1987.
So why would rereading my old verse arouse bittersweet or
nostalgic feelings? Because I am remembering who I was, and how my views on
spirituality have evolved over these past decades. The plaintive, nearly
desperate entreaties of the young woman I was then no longer represent me, at
least not in tone. Though agnostic on questions of the divine, I am now at
peace with my uncertainty. Life experience, persistent introspection and the
application of reason have led me to reject the Abrahamic deity that I had once
feared. I am not an atheist and acknowledge that I may be wrong, that there may
exist an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful deity who will condemn me to
burn in the fires of hell for not believing in Him/Her/It. But I don’t think
that’s likely. Someday I may know for sure, one way or the other. But for now,
I’ll just live my life the best way I can and – damn it all! – will try to enjoy it.
***
If you’d like to better appreciate my philosophy, you may
find another poem, “Abou Ben Adhem” by Leigh Hunt, illuminating: https://www.poetrybyheart.org.uk/poems/abou-ben-adhem/
Disclaimer: I have reproduced the “Find Me” poem exactly
as my younger-self had written it, so please overlook any punctuation
imperfections that my “now-published-author” self would have corrected.